The Tirpitz Chronicles

A Parody of the Prussian Patriarch - Tirpitz von Koenig

An Autocrat of the Old Order

He makes mistakes, but inevitably escapes any personal culpability. Like the Iron Chancellor he arranges things to lay blame on the enemies as aggressors instead of on the peace-loving nation of Prussia. Like Frederick the Great he is beset round about by antagonists who compel him to take assertive aggressive action purely as a preventative to stave off his own and his people's destruction.

(It should be noted that this publication may be taken as the preeminent Prussian answer to the brazen bombast and the bilious bogus of the yellow-eyed Bavarian, Baron von Muenchhausen, the nemesis of von Koenig).

This edition is translated and edited from the Personal Diary and Ship's Log of Captain von Koenig by Hugo Kistenmacher (nom de plume).

WARNING - This may be hazardous to your feelings.

Unabashedly the “Tirpitz Chronicles” stand for the old prides and prejudices of a land of northeastern/north central Europe which has dissolved from the scene. If you are an ethnic from any of Prussia’s age old enemies or/and are easily offended, stop right here. If you are an ethnic Prussian or descended from such or are inclined to look favorably on such, well then, read on.

The old medieval court jester though eccentric in mannerism and dress, yet often propounded truth and wisdom by means of his humor. In our jesting we hope there is a grain of wisdom and kernels of truth that will be discovered between the words. At times with more tongue in cheek and at times with more warmth in heart Cousin Hugo relates and we read of the exploits of a naval captain who hailed from a country whose standing army was its pride and glory.

\\hat does the word 'Prussian' mean to you? Arrogance, harsh discipline, cruel militarism or unswerving loyalty, devotion to duty and to an ancient regime, system, efficiency and discipline that produce results? Prussia could never have been as wicked as its detractors assert, though its detractors have the preponderance of numbers on their side in historical/political writings. If we Koenigs err, we err in the opposite extreme and blatantly so in defending and propounding against swelled ranks of detractors. For what purpose? Humor alone?

Perhaps Prussia was never as it was thought to be by either friend or foe. ln any event, who today says, ‘My ancestors came from Prussia?' There are some, though for the most part those uninitiated into the truth would prefer to say they are of German descent instead of... Even today so many years after the end of World War 2 who is pictured as a hero, who is German. Even today we are still fighting the vicious Krauts in WW2 movies being produced. And while we are at it, Americans supposedly like to help an underdog, right? When the modern Prussian nation was taking shape under Frederick the Great, you could not have found more of an underdog than Prussia with its king, Old Fritz.

it is also lost sight of that Napoleon was a tyrant who subjugated the Germans and humiliated the Prussians. It was finally Wellington's English army and Bluecher's Prussian army which defeated Bony. True, Bluecher was semi insane, though that should do little to detract from his loyalty to Wellington and prowess on the field of battle.

Austria is viewed as the epitome of gemuetlichkeit. To be Viennese was to be gracious and cosmopolitan. But this same Austria sought time and again to suppress the yearnings of Prussia for a part on the world stage. The hereditary home of the Hapsburgs sought to greedily maintain her hegemony among the German-speaking peoples whether deserved or not.

It took a firm hand to unite Germany. Bismarck is viewed as a master of real politik and a deceiver. Was he really so much worse than his contemporaries, or merely more successful?

In WWI Germany was but one of numerous nations poised for inevitable armed conflict. Prior to WW2 many true Prussians disdained the monster Hitler. When war did come Prussians like Heinz Guderian were confronted with a heart-rending dilemma as they loved their country and yet did not continence the Nazi.

There is an old saw that goes, 'many nations possessed armies, while Prussia was an army that possessed a nation’. There will be wars and rumors of wars untll the end of time. To be prepared for such is wise. To not shilly-shally around once war begins. but to seek to win as soon as possible is best for one's own people. How many needless casualties haven't there been due to unpreparedness? Preemptive and prepared Prussia was, but as Cousin Hermione has written, alas. “. . . Prussia’s long gone, now, but a state of the mind. . .”

The "Tirpitz Chronicles" have been authorized by the Koenig family. We thank our grand rnatriarch Aunt Minnie for proof-reading the manuscript. This is a compilation of Cousin Hugo's mailings to the family to date. In celebration of this publication we have also. In addition to dedicating this work to Heiny (Koenig) Pickelhaube, we have also commissioned an oii painting of that which bears Heiny’s name by the artist Maurice de Hallman, a copy of which you see with this publication.

Some time back a relative of ours in the old Fatherland discovered an old sea chest in his ancient house. Realizing the tremendous import of his find, he saw to the smuggling of the ship’s iog and diary out of the then Red regime of the German Democratic Republic (which was not democratic, nor a republic and which rolled over and barked at Russian spoken commands). Since there are so many of our kindred in Germany and elsewhere, thanks in large measure to Tirpitz' travels, the precious books were smuggled easily through a family network to the West. It was decided since Hugo is foremost of the literati of our expansive family, he was asked to undertake the authorized translation and eventual publication to the family. The desire was to finally answer once and for all scurrilous charges leveled against our progenitor. At the outset below we starkly repudiate the infamously-false charge of piracy. Once Hugo got into the translation work he found there was so much more to tell. With appropriate Stolz he undertook the noble task of fighting for truth, justice and the Prussian way in disclosing to the unlistening world the facts about that man in the seven league boots: Captain Tirpitz von Koenig.